Forgot?

you, know... i'm not in a really good mood right now

but no ones gives a crap even though i put those sentences on top with bold style
and by the way... my english is not so good. (It's bad... it really is) but i'm gonna write this in english so that i look a little bit cool ...
so... be it.

you know, i've been thinking about stuffs lately, but i couldn't spill it out. because....

it's weird

well, that's fun.. i just know blooger had this new format text, i'm gonna try that again

I had this really W E I R D thoughts in my head

yeaah..back to normal text.

yeah, i'm weird, everyone had their Weird side right?
my weird side is... i'm a thinker.
i think.
you know?
when i'm alone... my mind flies to 'only-me-myself-my brain- my feelings' kind of land.
i think about my life... my weaknesses that slows me down, my positive side,
possibilities that i could have
the reasons or meanings behind problems
and sometimes, i made some kind of drama from the novel or stories that i just wrote... pretending that i'm the heroine, the center of the story.

and it's all on my mind.
there's so much random stuffs flying through my head, well i don't know why.

i really want to have someone who i can talk to. especially about stuffs like this... about life ?
some people don't wanna talk about it and hide it.
me too, i hide my thoughts and my real feelings. only because i don't think they will understand ooorrr... i haven't found someone who can just 'click' to my randomness stuffs on my head.
aaandd, now i'm starting to think about J.D from 'Scrubs'

see? i want a friend like that. like J.D and Turk... they are weird, they really are. but they seem comfortable with their self... and their weirdness.
while i am still here... alone with my thoughts.
i wanna share my feelings to people, but i think too much (see? i'm a thinker..)
i'm afraid people will see me as a weird person.
so i'm pretending to be nice. (well, most of the time)
it feels like i'm being 30% me , 70% others expectations.

yeah, i'm not comfortable with my self right now.
I'm a coward.
I'm just stay in  this... Safe-zone
I play somebody else's role until i forgot my own self
then, it's stacked up on my head... and when it's full, i have to let it out
but i just can spill my thought on this blog...
well, that's obvious

because no one gives a crap on this blog

i don't have to worry about what other people think about me.
i'm just being me.

also... actually i always want to try talk dirty on social media, but i don't wanna do that...

okay, just once

i feel like shit right now, because i'm living peoples' expectation. damn it, why do i have to pretend at first, if i will regret it later. i shouldn't do that. but i'm afraid they'll kick my ass out if they found out who i really am.
why i still want to live in that kind of society anyway?
it's all because i play safe.
i don't dare to fight my self.

i feel like i'm doing good, but i don't.
i didn't make any  progress, because i'm too scared that people gonna looked down on me and have bad thoughts about me.

i thought i'll be able to
look forward... forgetting the past

it's not like that at all.
my past haunts me every time i'm down ,
and i think about bad possibilities that could happen in the future, not the good opportunities

maybe that's also the reason why i broke up with him.

and i'm starting to ask my self now and my self in the future

'are you willing to change?'

'would you stop thinking, and just step forward?'



to my self in the future :

'whatever you do, don't regret what you have wrote today...
and also.. try to be yourself, don't be afraid to move forward..
that's all that i could say right now. even though i had so many homeworks to do and i'm feeling random right now, i still can give you this wise words because i'm a good pretender.
don't be such a coward, get out of your safe place, dude!'

***

Dream

I hate it

I hate the fact that i had to pretend in front of you
I thought i can be honest with you
I thought....
I can be whatever i like in front of you

You said you know me well
You said you understands me

No..
You never did

Prove it to me

Prove it that you know what i feels
Prove it that you can spot my fake smile
Prove it...
that you knows me

I used to dream
that someday I'll meet someone
who can guess my feelings
someone whose gonna hug me, when i said 'i am okay' with lies
someone who knows my poker face
I'm waiting for somebody
that will reveal my mask
and release my heart from the prison of pride

but...

it's still a dream until now....












keep it up


cROWn

use.... less?

ah. ya...

entah kenapa gw merasa aneh

gw pengen berguna buat orang lain

gw pengen jadi orang yang bisa diandalkan

tapi entah kenapa.. gw ketemu nya sama tipe0tipe orang seperti ini..

Type 1 : useless bossy

saat mereka nyuruh gw ngerjain 'ini', gw kerjain

mereka nyuruh kerjain 'itu', gw kerjain

tapi ujung-ujungnya gak ada gunanya juga gw kerjain

karena mereka cuma lihat sekilas kerjaan gue,

dan selebihnya gak dipake lagi,

mungkin dibuang sama mereka, tapi gw juga gak tahu..

udah gw kerjain, mereka bilangnya gw gak kerja

pengen gw diemin aja sebenernya

'bodo amat gw mau kerjain atau enggak, terserah gue dong'

tapi gue pikir-pikir..

gw kerja aja dibilang gak kerja..

apalagi kalo gw gak ngapa-ngapain..

bisa disempak gue..


Type 2 : reminder

mereka awal-awalnya santai

trus kalo udah mau deadline, baru grasak-grusuk

'eh gimana nih tugasnya? gimana dong? belum selesai ya? blablabla'

padahal mereka gak ngapa-ngapain

sekedar jadi alarm aja..


Type 3 : Perfect....?

mereka mau semuanya perfect
yah, biasanya orang-orang pinter lah

yang nyebelinnya..

mereka terlalu asik sama pikirannya sendiri, sampai mereka gak mau terima usulan partnernya

waktu itu gw pernah kasih usul 'kayak gini ajah nih kesimpulannya,....'

trus dia bilang 'ah, bukan kayak gitu..n maksudnya kayak gini lho..'

'o yaudah.. terserah lu..'

trus ada anak yang notabene ranking lah d kelas, bilang ' udah, kesimpulannya gini gini gitu...'
kesimpulan yang dia bilang sama kayak yang gw bilang tadi

bedanya... si sok perfect ini langsung nulis 'n nurut kata-kata si ranking tadi

padahal kesimpulannya sama aja kayak yang gue bilang


Type 4 : waste of time

mereka suka nyuruh orang lakuin ini dan itu

waktu gw udah selesai ngerjain.. gue kasih ke dia

dan ternyata dia ngerjain bagian yang sama kayak gue

trus yang dikumpulin punya siapa?

pasti punya dia daripada punya gw


Type 5 : complainant

tipe orang kayak gini yang menurut gw paling nyebelin..

mereka yang bagi tugas masing-masing orang

mereka sendri yang milih mereka mau kerjain yang mana..

terus mereka kayak nyari backing-an nya

mereka bilang kerjaan mereka yang paling berat, paling susah, saya kerja sendiri, blablabla

padahal mereka sendiri yang bagi tugas

dan padahal temen-temennya udah kerjasama ngerjain tugas

tapi selalu.. mereka Carmuk sama orang lain

gak ngerti kenapa ya seneng banget dikasihanin?

Type 6 : stoneman

mereka cuman diem kalo dikasih tugas

selalu ada alesan ... 'internet gk connect','gak boleh ke warnet','printer rusak','sakit..' blablablabla

ujung-ujungnya cuma numpang nama aja,..






masih ada tipe-tipe lainnya .. banyak malahan

gue super bete...

mestinya kan kelompok itu kompak
saling menghargai
saling tolong-menolong

tapi pada kenyataannya gw dapet orang-orang yang super cuek/gak ngehargain orang lain

kalo ngikutin hati dari kemaren-kemaren...

gue akan bodo amat sma mereka

biarin ajah.. terserah merekalah..


tapi gue ragu

kalo gue ngelakuin itu...

apa bedanya gue sama mereka?


jadi, gue coba tahan-tahanin aja sama mereka

tapi gak tahu kapan gue akan mencapai limit kesabaran gue

waktu udah sampai limit, gue akan meledak-ledak... itu pasti




tunggu tanggal maennya... HAHAHAHAHAHA #evil laugh



~cROWn~

i realized it now...

Perkenalkan...



Miss Carla




hari ini gue diundang ke sweet seventeen party..
acaranya seru, asik dan joged joged gak jelas.. haha

trus gue pulang ke rumah...


THE END.
.
.
.
.
.
.
masih lanjut kok ceritanya.. XP

waktu gue pulang dari party,
kakak gue berdiri di depan rumah sambil celingak celinguk..
gue mikir kenapa kali ini orang kayak orang bingung...

bokap nanya 'kenapa kamu?'
kakak gue bilang...
'Carla ilang!'

dan satu mobil pun kaget setengah mati


gak tau ya... gue udah gak bisa mikir lagi
tas gue tinggal di mobil..
terus gue langsung lari nyari Carla

malu juga diliatin orang-orang..juga
mungkin mereka pikir,
ngapain ini anak lari-larian pake dress...

ada temen ortu juga yang bantu nyari..
mereka juga penyuka anjing jadi tau gimana rasanya kalo anjing kabur, mereka bertiga bantuin kita sekeluarga nyari Carla..
jadi totalnya ada 7 orang yang cari anjing item malem-malem...

mereka semua boncengan..
sedangkan gue tuker baju, terus jalan kemana aja buat nyariin dia..

gue cari Carla sambil doa komat-kamit kagak jelas gitu..
'Tuhan tolong temuin dia'
'Tuhan tolong jaga dia'
'Tuhan, kalo misalnya kita semua gak nemuin dia, lindungin Carla, jangan sampai dia diambil orang gak bertanggung jawab.. dengan begitu aku akan rela Tuhan, asal Kau lindungi dia.."

ini yang pertama kalinya... gue cemas banget


selama hampir 2 bulan ini.. Carla itu..
bukan sekedar teman main..
tapi udah kayak anak gue

waktu gue buka pintu..
dia yang pertama kali gue lihat

waktu gue pergi
dia yang paling histeris gonggong-gonggong


baru kali ini gue merasa, gue dihargain sama mahluk hidup
gue disayang sama mahluk hidup

mungkin kesannya agak lebay ya..
tapi itulah yang gue rasain

gue sayang banget sama dia...

Sayang banget..


udah 1 jam an lebih , Carla masih hilang...
bokap bilang
'udahlah, rela-in aja..."

dan baru kali itu gue keluarin air mata buat seekor anjing

cuma buat lo Carla..


gue mau keluar lagi nyari dia, tapi kayak ada yang nahan gue...

tiba-tiba ada berisik-berisik di depan rumah

'nih re.. udah ketemu nih si Carla!'



dan gue pelukkan sama Carla kayak di sinetron...


nevermind.. it was a happy ending, though

people say u won't realize how important somebody to you, until you lost them...

i have to say that's true ...




stay happy.. =)



~cROWn~